Vampires Sometimes Bite
by karabell-karaboo723
Summary: Edward Bella and Jacob go to a place where nothing is as it seems. Where true love may not be as true as they think. And where vampires sometimes bite. E/B, J/B, J/R, ect.


**Once upon a lime,** there lived a colony of puff balls that enjoyed reading Harry Potter, and bashing/ burning Twilight (the "saga" one). One day, their peace filled lives were interrupted when a familiar face entered the room.

"Cedric, you're alive!" Screamed Kathy- Lynn

"No, I'm Edward Cullen. I'm a vampire now. This is my wife, Bella, her ex- boyfriend and part time pedophile, Jacob Black, and my daughter, Renesen… Relmesem…. Renlodem… Well, not too many people (including myself) can say her name, so we just call her Nessie." Said Edward

"You mean Nessie, like the lake monster that lives up In Scotland?" asked Mary- Beth

"No, she is not that lochness…" started Bella, also known as Mary- Sue

"Oh, SHUT UP YOU IDIOT! No one likes you!" screamed Kathy- Lynn, and everybody else on the planet

" You're so stupid, it makes me want to puke my guts out!" screamed Leah Clearwater

"You know what, I like her! Let's go stand with her." Said Mary- Beth to Kathy- Lynn

"You are the only decent character in the entire "saga", Leah." Said Tommy Bahama

"Yeah, I know" said Leah

"HEY! What about me?" screamed Edward and Jacob

"Well, Jacob, let's face it. Your only redeeming quality is that you're hot. Seriously, that's it. And you're not event that hot, you know. The guy who played you in "Vampires Suck", which was an absolutely epic movie, was hotter that you." Said Katy- Nein (yep, that is you K9)

"And Edward,not only are you a pedophile, but you left-"

"ME! You left me Edward, but I took you back, so stop hating him!" whined Bella

"You are so lucky that none of you have to fight on their side or even share a universe with them." Said Leah

"I thought I yelled at you to shut up, you Mary- Sue!" said Kathy- Lynn

"Besides, we were going to say Harry Potter"

"Did Some one say that there was a Mary- Sue? Never fear, the Harry Potter Sue Destroyers are here!"

With a giant BANG! The wall blew to pieces, and out stepped Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, Ginny, Dumbledore, Sirius, Remus, Oliver Wood (because he's super hot), Fred and George (comic relief), and Snape, Snape, Severus Snape- DUMBLEDORE! (The mysterious ticking noise).

They looked pretty awesome with all their Sue hunting gear, if I do say so myself.

"Alright, where is she! I swear, we'll, oh no, not all of you guys, AGAIN!" said Harry

"I thought that we already got rid of them when Harry found out that Bella was actually his sister?" asked Draco

"No, no, no, that was when she fell in love with him, Draco" said Ron

"No, that time she was his sister, though" said Hermione

"No, not really, the author decided to change that like, half way through the story when she decided that Bella should sleep not only with Draco, Seamus, Dean, Blaise, Lucius Malfoy, Ron, Fred and George (at the same time), and Sirius, but also with Harry." Said Oliver

"I thought she slept with you and Tom Riddle, too?" said Ginny

"Umm, well, you see, umm, it was pretty dark, and well, umm, I thought she was Katie, okay!" said a very flustered Oliver

"Wait, so when you went on a spiritual retreat to England, that's what you were doing?" said Edward

"Well, you're so cold and controlling, and I knew that you would never be able to stay mad at me so I went ahead and took advantage of the situation" said Bella

"Well, I for one would never do anything like that ever. Not in a million years. Not even if you paid me a million dollars." Said 'Nessie' in a very stuck up and extremely prissy voice

"Wait, what about that time you came over to my place, and you and Remus and I all-" started Sirius, extremely seriously!

"We swore to never talk about that again, okay?" said Remus

"Wait, so you've been sneaking around my back having threesomes, or something like that? How could you? I imprinted on you! We are soul mates, we are meant to be! I feel so betrayed! How could you? I- i- i- I cant believe this! You're almost as bad as Bella!" wailed Jacob

"Ummm, is it just me, or have we been transported into a soap opera?" asked Hermione

"I cant take this!" screamed Ginny

"Why the hell is there so much drama?" screamed Fred and George

"This isn't even worth the effort!" wailed Draco

"It makes me want to rip my eyes out." Whispered Snape

"Oh stop complaining! I actually have to live with this every day of my life!" snapped Leah

"You poor, poor thing. You must be so strong not to have killed your self by now." Said Harry

"Yeah, well, that's the benefit of being the only one in the universe with a brain." Replied Leah

"Hey, if you help us kill them, then we'll take you with us" said Remus

"As long as there is not such thing as sparkly pedophile vampires, imprinting, or Mary- Sues, I'm fine with that proposition" said Leah happily

"Well, we can promise the first two, but we cannot promise freedom from the dreaded evil that are known as Mary- Sues" said Ginny sadly

"Will I have a chance to destroy some of them?" asked Leah, very curiously

"Of couse you will! That's like, all we ever do!" exclaimed Harry

"Well, than I am so in! lets do it guys!" said Leah in a very excited voice

"You catch on fast, girl!" said Draco

"And you just sounded very gay" said Ginny, Hermione, and Leah, who were bonding quickly over their hatred of Mary- Sues

"Yeah, I know. Sometimes I say gay things." Whispered Draco

"Oh well, lets just kill them." Said Ginny

"Great idea."

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

"Apparently 'Avada Kedavra' can kill sparkle fairies. Good to know!" said Dumbledore

**Review.**


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